you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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