I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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