oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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