guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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