how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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