i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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