I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
