Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
