I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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