when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
