Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
