dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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