Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
