Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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