tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
