Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
