I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
