Who wears a wallet chain?!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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