My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
