Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
third nipple confirmed
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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