From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
