if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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