Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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