It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
