i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
