we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
