mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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