just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
