Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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