I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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