I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
