So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
