Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
