Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
