for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
