saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize