just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
