you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
