pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Holy shit dude........stairs
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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