lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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