Michael Bay diarrhea
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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