the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
