a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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