you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
