There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
