ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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