Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
why does every cop we meet know your name?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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