I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
