I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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