ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
