you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
