I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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