My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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