You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
