70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
