I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
