If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
