A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
