Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
