tell your sister to shave her snatch
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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